Day Dreaming
You haunt me even in my dreams, it feels like an eternity without you. I feel like I don’t need you, but this time around I actually want you…. and it’s just the fact that now I want you that scares me. Maybe because now I know I can’t have you… because you no longer want me.
And even though he distracts me and makes me happy… he is not like you in any way. Don’t get me wrong buddy, that’s a good thing. But at the same time it hurts. Even if him and I were ever going to amount to anything more than what we are, I won’t ever care for him as much as I do and will forever for you…
F^ck.
CONFUSED.
I thought that was what I wanted.. what I needed.. but now I am not too sure.
It bores me, annoys me.
When I am with him it feels fresh, exciting. Making all these plans for the future make me feel special. He listens, I listen. He laughs and jokes around and so do I. He treats me out with nothing to expect in return. He supports me in my crazy adventures and doesn’t judge.
You do. You argue. You judge. You don’t support me (at least not as much as I would like). You think about yourself and what you can gain out of it. You ask how long I will keeping you waiting….
Truth is buddy, I am not making you wait. You decided to “love me”. That involves patience. Honestly, I don’t want you to “wait”.
Thinking about it a bit more, I don’t think I want you anymore. Actually, I don’t need you.
him>you ?
Mixed feelings
I’m not sure how I feel about going back to Santa Barbara.
Happy, yet sad.
Happy to meet new people and start a new year. However I’m sad because I have to leave my family and friends once again.
I’m so over packing and moving, it’s been happening too much too often. Yet I know that when I’m older I’m going to miss the drag of packing almost my whole life onto a pick up and getting dropped off in college.
Let me wrap this up, it’s a bittersweet feeling.
wish i could actually have the balls to say it, but my heart tells me otherwise.
im to good of a person to use the word hate.
I should reply to his e-mail like this… As if he cares about my finals and last days in Italy… after leaving me hanging for like 4 days… this is how I feel.
OH NO!
I can feel it happening again… this feeling that burns my heart. I can’t deal with anything and anyone anymore! These past six months have been filled with so changes!! Moving out of the dorms, moving into an apartment, moving back home, loosing my dog, breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, moving away to Rome, making new friends to survive this place, loosing other friends, AND NOW having to go back to California to a new house in another city that I have to now call my home. :/ Geez, God I need a breather.How much farther do I have to bend back? Right when I feel I have a handle on my life again, a slap in the face and a paper to remind me that I have to leave the city I have been living in. The city who has shaped me in so many ways, the city that I have grown to love every second and the city that reminded me I am worth something and provided to be my escape while my world was crashing down. Seriously I can’t stop crying… I miss the past when my life was stable. When I was doing good in school, was with my family and friends, had my dog, had my boyfriend, had a job and felt so careless. And now I am already missing Rome, what is soon to be my past and everyone that made this trip worthwhile. I’m falling into depression again, just wanting to sleep it off and forget about my troubles. Music isn’t even cutting it anymore.. this is something that has never happened. Then I look at my parents and how much they give for me… then I know I have to push through for them. I smile and pretend to be strong because they need me more than ever to lean on. And hearing their voices makes me feel so blessed at the same time for what I have and to wake up another day.
love thisss.
i miss this. i could say i don’t receive any because i don’t have a phone since i am in Italy but being realistic, once i am back home and have a cell.. he’s no longer mine so i won’t be getting these. </3 i want to feel special again.
hhhaha SERIOUSLY.
that’s the impression Italians get..
like when they ask where I’m from and I say Cali… I can picture the palm trees they begin to image. smh
(Source: yes-butno)
